either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
