some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
My hand turned me down
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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