We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
