We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
