somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
