It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
