When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Are my feet made of real feet?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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