I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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