Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
