lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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