I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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