He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
