Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
