I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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