It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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