i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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