I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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