I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
