just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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