Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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