My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
