saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
