I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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