Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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