Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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