I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
