I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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