I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
