Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
