My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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