Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
