I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
