i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
