I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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