turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
