Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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