Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Green mimosas i think yes
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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