I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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