Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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