he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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