I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There was a lot of him and a little penis
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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