So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
