There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
