I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
