yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
