If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
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