I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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