Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
