ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
