my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
