You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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