apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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