Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
